Trying to stay afloat.

Dear me,

I am trying, trying to stay on top of my life, my priorities, my wishes. I don’t think I can anymore. I don’t think I can do anything anymore. I don’t think I can do anything anymore. But sometimes I think I can.

And it hurts. It hurts so fucking much. It rips my chest, it weighs down on my bones. I feel heavy and anxious and mindless all at once. I am just barely staying afloat. I am faking it so hard, but I am also deceiving myself into thinking that I can’t, if that even makes sense.

It hurts, and I can’t figure out how to make the wrenching, the aching, the headaches stop. I need order, I need to bring back the side of me that is disciplined and motivated. Where are you? Why is school so close to being here? Where did my minutes, hours, precious years go? I am struggling, and I admit that I need it but I also admit that is fucking hurts.

Much love and pain, Emily

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