This is a new chapter.

Dear me,

It’s been one hell of a ride. Four years of learning, suffering, surviving. Gearing up for another four? Hell to the yes you’re fucking ready. Ready to take on New York and New Life and New Everything. In one week you’re free of the restraints of adolescence. You’ve become bold and beautiful. Don’t let anything stop you now, fucking get ’em.

In reflection, I’ll remind you. Be soft, speak clearly. Know what you want, pursue everything passionately. Have fear, have humility. Let it guide you to strength and power and happiness. Success is in your grasp.

Much love, Emily

Renaissance.

Dear me,

Here’s a reality check. It’s March 29, 00:33, and you’re about five assignments behinds schedule. You’re ready to take a break, from school, from people, from life. But.

You made it through the shittiest fucking months of your life. Made it through trips to California, Las Vegas, and New York (and Carnegie Hall?!). You also made it through five college acceptances. You fucking destroyed whatever shit misconception you had of your self-worth, your confidence. You’re a Barnard woman now.

Much love, Emily

I wear silent headphones.

Dear me,

I wear silent headphones to cancel the nothingness with silence. To shut up the chatter of my brain, the wandering of my ears. I place them over my ears to suffocate the spillage of composure. Almost as if, when I remove these silent headphones, my thoughts will dismember and float away.

These silent headphones hold me together. Perhaps the only things that keep me moving onward, forward. Progression has become so difficult these days.

Much love and apathy, Emily

 

 

I’m alone and it’s dark.

Dear me,

How are you holding up? I hope you’re well, happy, and in a better place than I am now. It is inevitable that I should lose steam, stutter in my footsteps towards what I thought I wanted, I just didn’t know it would be so soon, so painful and confusing.

Everyone so often I find myself doubting my motivation, my future…I find myself incapable of taking steps forward towards that goal. Finishing that homework, organizing those stacks of papers. Being the responsible person I thought I was. But it’s times like these when everything becomes blurry and it feels like I’m moving in slow motion backward, fading into the blackness of the unknown.

I need to learn what it means to be driven, to be disciplined, to have boundaries. Right now, I feel like I’m pieces, lying on the floor, broken and forgotten by my future self. Everything feels heavy and reluctant and painful, every smile, every word, every step.

I’m exaggerating. It’s what I do. But these feelings are just feelings, they will come to pass.

Much love, Emily

 

Regaining Consciousness

Dear me,

I need to get my life in order. I need to sit down and breathe. Deep breaths. I have everything I need to succeed. For the month of August I would like to:

  • Register for TPYO
  • Email Mrs. Barcanic
  • Attend the IB Retreat
  • Begin working at Kumon (<- buy a white shirt!)
  • Go through my bookshelf, reorganize space and throw away extra junk
  • Sort through last years school papers
  • Complete my EE draft
  • Donate old books
  • Finish reading Perfume
  • Finish the Perfume study guide
  • Watch Star Trek Beyond, Secret Life of Pets, and Bad Moms, maybe Jason Bourne (?)
  • Limit phone usage to 1 hour a day

Sept. 3, 2016 Update: I revisited this post and found that I have gotten through this month! Thankfully I have survived the beginning of school and now the races have begun. I only hope I survive.

Best, Emily

The blank page.

Dear me,

I am so afraid of the unknown. The blank page, the beginning. It is as blinding and looming as a 30 foot wave seconds before crashing down. Again, I feel lost and eternally floundering in this existence called life.

Much love and fear, Emily

Trying to stay afloat.

Dear me,

I am trying, trying to stay on top of my life, my priorities, my wishes. I don’t think I can anymore. I don’t think I can do anything anymore. I don’t think I can do anything anymore. But sometimes I think I can.

And it hurts. It hurts so fucking much. It rips my chest, it weighs down on my bones. I feel heavy and anxious and mindless all at once. I am just barely staying afloat. I am faking it so hard, but I am also deceiving myself into thinking that I can’t, if that even makes sense.

It hurts, and I can’t figure out how to make the wrenching, the aching, the headaches stop. I need order, I need to bring back the side of me that is disciplined and motivated. Where are you? Why is school so close to being here? Where did my minutes, hours, precious years go? I am struggling, and I admit that I need it but I also admit that is fucking hurts.

Much love and pain, Emily

That deep, crumbling feeling in the gut.

Dear me,

You know that deep, crumbling feeling in your gut? When your soul takes a dive for the worst and next thing you know you’re holding in tears and reconsidering all of your life decisions. This is becoming more common for me, something I feel on the daily basis. I don’t know what to do. My life is so temporary yet so stagnant that I am at a loss for how to live. If that makes any sense…

It’s late, I need sleep. Good night.

Much love, Emily

Regrets 

Dear me,

Currently, I am having regrets. I am rethinking all of the choices I’ve made these past few years…all the dumb and misdirected thoughts I had. I am trying not to let these regrets sway me, but they sure do make me feel more isolated than I’d like to admit.

I hope that I can look back on this and think that I made the right choice one day, but currently I am struggling to accept that is it what it is. I feel like I could have chosen better, been smarter, thought ahead.

Much love and pain, Emily

Uncontrollably terrified.

Dear me,

I’m scared. Terrified, to be exact. I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know what I want to do. I am sure of nothing. My thoughts feel like an empty abyss. I am floundering in darkness, what can I do to find a way out? Time is passing too quickly and too slowly. It ticks away while I waste my days wondering where I’ve gone.

Much love, Emily